I’ve been on this journey towards self awareness for about a year now. It’s not fun and it’s not easy; you have to face the things within you that make you tick, and oftentimes it’s not pleasant. So it’s a process.

Though I have done some “inner child work” years ago, about a week ago I came upon another method of visualization.

The idea is whenever you have a visceral reaction to something – like being annoyed that someone refuses to address hard things (one of mine that I plan to explore using this process) – you meet your inner child self in an imagined safe place in order to understand where that first started for you.

Though there is no exact date/time, research on the formation of human emotion and personality concludes that you have more or less developed “you” by around age 8.

This explains why kids with fucked up childhoods become adults with fucked up adulthoods. In case you weren’t tracking.

I digress. With this information, it is then reasonable to dig around in one’s childhood to understand the triggering events, decide to heal and move on or keep the wound if it still serves a purpose.

In any event, connecting your present self to the actions/triggers of your childhood helps you to understand the next time you have that visceral reaction – that anger bubbling up inside of you – it is familiar. You know it.

You know that you are triggered by people that refuse to address hard things, and that your anger is not directed at the person doing it but by the triggering event that impacted you personally.

So, anyway – this visualization method requires a meditation of sorts. Another thing I need to put a pin in to understand is that I can’t really meditate. I fall asleep.

So I do this guided meditation that I will just call visualization to note that I remain conscious through the thing.

The visualization starts with you, as yourself today, walking down a path. You look around and take note of surroundings.

The guide provides really great, detailed prompts in case you have trouble with imagination.

I don’t have this problem. I imagine a paved path in the woods on a sunny summer day. Warm breeze, sun on my face through filtered leaves. There’s a small lake just off the path with all of the associated sounds of summer song: bugs, frogs, birds, the whole nine yards.

This imagery is easy.

Then you notice an opening or a door or a portal of some kind, hidden just off the path.

I’ll admit I just went full on Secret Garden for this one. I have never seen such a door or portal or hidden entry so that’s what I’ve got.

The guide takes you through the same prompts of imagination, some which I cycle through a bit like skins in a video game but I like my Secret Garden doorway and I stick with it.

You open the door and are in a tunnel.

So, same thing: what does the tunnel look like, what do you hear, what do you smell, how do you feel?

You get all of the same prompts. I go with an under-road tunnel I’ve been in before. It’s arched and made of concrete block. It’s sturdy, it feels secure. There’s some grafitti. It feels about 20 degrees cooler than the outside, it’s a little damp, there are occasional sounds of water dripping, but nothing else besides the sound of my footsteps echoing.

Again the guide offers different options but I like my tunnel and stick with it.

As you walk through the tunnel there’s an opening. You walk through it.

This is where your inner child is.

The guide once again takes you through all of these elaborate ideas for imagery: lush gardens, outer space, etc. They offer really great options and I toggle through them in my mind.

They continue to say they want you to build a house for you to meet your inner child at and provide options/prompts to get imagination flowing.

Does your house have doors, windows, walls, etc.

I could not build a world.

I could not build a house.

I have endless white nothing as far as the eye can see. No walls, no ceiling just white.

The idea of building a house made me feel anxious the first time I went through this exercise and I bailed on the exercise but didn’t stop thinking about it.

I know there’s endless white nothing because that feels safe. It leaves me vulnerable, sure, but nothing can happen to me in secret.

I know I won’t build a house and I certainly won’t build rooms with beds because that is where secrets are made.

I know, but only subconsciously at first, that I’ll never meet my inner child if I built a world that way.

So I honor my inner child’s needs over the prompt of the visualization.

I didn’t get to meet her the first time I was there.

The second time I could feel she was there but she didn’t come out.

The third time, this morning, I met her. She is so small, and so sweet, and so thoughtful and excited about life and all of its possibilities.

Sitting on my couch I cried. Not really sad; relieved. Excited. It’s pretty wild to meet yourself for the first time.

I recommend!

It will be interesting to see if my safe place evolves over time or if it always stays white and open like that. Will I ever build a house with rooms and doors and beds? Today that feels like a firm no, but I imagine if true healing takes place, I should find safety within myself to take care of me and prevent secrets.

We shall see. One step at a time!