It is striking and heartbreaking and humbling to consider how little I ever considered my own existence.

I didn’t consider that I should feel mad.

I didn’t consider that I should feel happy.

I didn’t consider that I should feel … anything.

I didn’t consider that I should have needs.

I didn’t consider that I should be protected.

You know what pisses me off the most?

Inconsiderate people.

Here am I, 42 years old, light bulb going off: only now realizing that my visceral reaction to inconsiderate people is all three fingers pointed back at myself when I have that one pointed outward.

You inconsiderate person!

All the while not considering myself. Damn.

So much of my life energy has been built up around other people’s needs, feelings, wants, desires.

I know other people better than I know myself.

Even complete strangers I meet I can run their behaviors, tonality, expressions through my mental model and spit out a recommendation for correction. And if they are receptive, they ingest and become a better-faster-stronger version of themselves, and come back for more like I have drugs to offer, often leaving me feeling depleted of energy.

If they are not receptive is when I am called condescending.

I’m going to just go ahead and type this out loud: you think I am condescending because you are insecure about not knowing yourself as well as a total stranger.

But that doesn’t mean you are flawed, it means you are human, just like everybody else. Nobody has got this figured out.

From my observations, the people who inherently know they have nothing figured out actually have the most figured out.

I will never say I have anything figured out; this is born of a lifetime of observation of myself. Not something that I came out of the box knowing.

I’m a good read of people but only those I have encountered and I meet new people every day who show me new behaviors.

I am constantly learning something new about something I thought I knew well, which means I will never know everything about anything. Including myself.

Though I suspect the motivating forces will shift after I work through this **complete bullshit mind fuckery but no doubt period of growth** and accept that my infinite curiosity with human behavior is a result of insecure attachment and stop looking for someone else to come and meet my needs and take ownership of that responsibility for myself — I have cultivated a skill that can be really useful and helpful for others.

Now I just need to use it to unlock myself.