I must surrender my 19-year-loyalty to ghosts.

My mom died the year I turned 19. Until now, I have compared/contrasted and otherwise leveraged the memories of my past–the good, the bad and the ugly–to form and make parenting decisions when raising my two kids.

Anything I did not specifically recall in detail, I had written down in journals.

My experiences were not perfectly overlapping – my two children are 100% their own people.

But it has been a comfortable gap, leaning in to the ghosts of my parents. Their decisions, my experiences – what they knew about me and what they didn’t know about me but I wish I could tell ask or tell them.

Tomorrow my oldest turns 19. Honestly, I have known this day would come and have been coming to terms with (read: bugging out and agonizing) over the last few months.

The day my dad died I said out loud to no one but myself in the room: “I’m an orphan. I’m alone** now.” Except I wasn’t.

Just the day before, I had learned that the kiddo pictured here with me was growing in my womb and had chatted with my dad on AOL Instant Messenger about it. It was bittersweet.

I remember thinking then: this is scary. I’m going to make so many mistakes!

The same is now: this is scary. I’m going to make so many mistakes!

And it is bittersweet.

Whatever parenting decisions I make from here on out are solely my own. I think it’ll be kinda cool to finally meet me. 😊

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The last few months have had me examining other areas of my life and similar behavior as well:

People, processes, assumptions, ideas that no longer exist but I have bound myself to for various reasons: loyalty, comfort, adherence to my perception of “how it has always been” … it goes on.

It feels similarly scary but quite liberating to let those things go!

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**though I am comfortable using the word to describe my familial position and feeling, it is worth noting that I have never actually been “alone”. I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded with friends who became my family and my kids’ father is hands down the best dad they could have ever hoped for!

They say “it takes a village” and an actual village had a hand in raising my kids and I am extremely grateful for that and recognize that as the silver lining in an otherwise tough situation for all of us! 💖

My kids’ ‘family tree’ projects were quite a spectacle!