“Tsk”, her tongue clicked. “Why didn’t you sit nicely and smile, like the other children? You ruined the picture.”

I recalled the nervous energy in the room that had resulted in my being extra wiggly and giggly that picture day.

My teacher had told me to sit on my hands. That was hilarious! People don’t sit on their hands! I can remember even today how silly I thought that was – how silly 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 – but only when you consider the perspective of the 4-year-old.

I didn’t have words to explain to my mom why I couldn’t just sit nicely and smile. So I accepted her disappointment in me, and noted that ‘appropriate picture day behavior’ looked like that of my peers and not of mine.

The fact that order has value is not lost on me. I imagine it was nothing short of a Herculean effort to round up nineteen 4-5 year olds—let alone get them to sit still in one place on the daily.

Seriously: teachers are every day heroes. 🦸

But this sentiment that has followed me throughout my life: “Everyone else conformed. Why can’t you?” has often left me accepting that I am just not meant for this world.

That has often felt isolating but I have also just accepted the resulting disappointment of my failure to conform to others expectations. Agree to disagree.

I compartmentalized “not here” to just mean I needed to save my “me” energy for the walls inside my room.

I look at this photo as an adult and feel not a disappointment in the kid caught on camera just being themselves – but many of the 18 kids who are probably not.